I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Randomize
