Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Randomize
