dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
