I heard we made out
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Randomize
