his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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