if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
