just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
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