Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
