forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Randomize
