I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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