My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
