I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Randomize
