oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
