Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Randomize
