You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Randomize
