I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
