No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
