I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
