so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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