she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
