Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Randomize
