America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Randomize
