Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
