Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
