I am midnight drunk by noon
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Randomize
