Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
