So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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