phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
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