are you still at the devil's house?
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
