Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
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