at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I have tasted many bathrooms
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
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