does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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