my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
