You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
BRING THE BAGELS
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Randomize
