there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize
