my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Randomize
