i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
