just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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