i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
