what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
