I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
