my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
