ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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