Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
