the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Randomize
