I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Randomize
