a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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