if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
