its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
