you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Randomize
